Sunday, December 9, 2012

first christmas

I'm going to get back to using the blog the way I intended it. Good memories. Lucas's first Christmas. Best Christmas of my life...

First thing in the morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wearing his Christmas pajamas and feeling slightly confused I'm sure. That was one of his two favorite blankets, he dragged it every where with him. 

Posing for a picture with mommy, while all of the pre-present preparations were made. I love his little still sleepy smile.

Mommy didn't do a very good job picking out wrapping paper.. It was pretty, but almost impossible to tear. What resulted was a lot of ineffectual slapping on Lucas's part, and a lot of ohing and ahing on mommy's part as she opened it little by little for him.

One of his favorite toys.. He loved his mega blocks. Loved the little wagon to pull them around in even more. We would climb in the back and just sit there are laugh, it was adorable.

The previously mentioned mega blocks.. He doesn't even know what they are but the still is ecstatic to receive them. I think this whole morning was just awesome to him.. Waking up and getting all of this special attention and all of the new toys.. 

Looking a little moody, but so is daddy. He'll be happy as soon as his present is open...

There we go, another of his favorites. Loud and obnoxious.. Perfect for my crazy little man.

 Last but not least.. All dressed up for a trip to Grandma's house. He's so damn big here... Grew up so fast. I wish I could see how big he would be this Christmas. I love you baby... So damn much.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I'm sorry

This won't be a popular post.. But keep the opinions to yourselves if you could. You may not like the things I sometimes think, but that doesn't mean I can just not think them. Why not just write this stuff in private so I don't have to deal with the responses? I don't know. Writing in private doesn't feel like it helps. It's just words thrown into the wind. But when I publish it where people could potentially see it, it feels different for some reason. So I go with it.

Bruce. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I gave up, I'm sorry I wanted out. I was just so fed up and you never took anything I brought up seriously. I was sick of supporting you while you contributed nothing. I was sick of sitting at the dinner table in silence, trying to have a one sided conversation. I was sick of telling you how I felt only to have you shrug it off. You didn't take me seriously until I told you I wanted out, and it was just too late. The sad part of that is that I really believed I had finally gotten through to you when I said I wanted a divorce. I think you would have changed, I think you would have done anything to keep me. But it was too late, I had decided, and I just wanted out... The quicker the better.

I'm sorry I hurt you so badly. I'm sorry I drove you to the point of thinking killing us all was the only option you had. I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry I was so cold and inflexible. Cruel in a lot of ways... I was just so done with it, I really didn't care if you were hurting at that point. I had spent so long hurting while you sat complacent, I just plain didn't give a damn. But I'm sorry. I wish it could have been different. I wish I had put in the effort and had taken my vows seriously. I'm sorry.

Lucas. Oh my baby... My angel.. Mommy is so so sorry for all the ways she failed you. I'm sorry that the mistakes I made contributed to you losing your life. I'm sorry you don't get to grow up. Oh my God I'm so sorry that you felt pain. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you, I didn't put you first. I ran away and didn't protect you, and I failed you. I failed you so horrifically... If I had known.. But that doesn't matter. That I couldn't have known doesn't change what happened. And I wasn't there for you, to save you or to at least die with you. 

You were so beautiful and perfect. So innocent.. Happy and loving and trusting. You are the love of my life and I'm so fucking sorry that I let you down. I'm so sorry for everything, for Everything. I'll never stop missing you, I'll never move on. I don't want to, I refuse to. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to save you. I love you always Munchie.. Always.