Sunday, November 25, 2012

guilt


It's been a while since I've even thought of posting here. First it was because I got sad realizing that some day I would run out of pictures to post. There are only so many.. Then I got sad because I realized that the memories I had of Lucas were fading. I would read something or see something and all of a sudden a hazy memory would come back, and it hurt to know I had forgotten it even for a moment.

Like the sounds he used to make.. He was never big on talking. Instead of words he would just walk around saying "deedle deedle deedle". Everything was called a "da da", even me. Or how he would make me sit down on the floor, and the push me down so I was laying on my back, lift up my shirt, and blow raspberries on my stomach. I would pretend to be ticklish and laugh uncontrollably, and he loved making me laugh so he would fall over laughing...

Or dinner time. His one true love was milk. For a long time he refused to eat solids, all he wanted was his milk. Eventually I got him to start eating but it was never much. Every meal turned out like the one in the picture. He loved making a mess, but didn't care to do much actual eating.

It makes me sad to think of him. It makes me sad to look at other kids who are the same age he would have been and to wonder what he would have been like. It makes me sad to think of how badly I failed him. Yes, I know. It's not my fault. Only... Knowing that and believing it aren't exactly the same thing. I can tell myself that all day long but it doesn't lessen my guilt. And I know that carrying this burden of guilt won't bring him back, nothing will.. But I just don't think I can forgive myself. Am I punishing myself? Probably. But how can I not when I feel like I deserve to be punished? Someone should be punished for what happened to my beautiful baby boy. Someone should pay. Mistakes were made, if they weren't he'd be here. I hold part of the blame for those mistakes. And the other person that hold blame is gone. I don't know what to do about that. When I think about Bruce.. It's a blank. I can't even bring myself to hate him, he's just... Confusing.

He loved Lucas, and I thought he loved me too. He said he did. Divorce or no, we were at least still friends. And I know, I know... He was mentally ill. I get it. But... I still don't understand how someone could be that sick. Maybe if he had just thought about it and dismissed it. Maybe if he had picked up the gun than put it back down. Maybe if he had pointed it and then looked in his sons eyes and turned it on himself instead. Where was God then? All it would have taken is one moment of clarity and I could still have my son. The police would have said "I'm sorry, your husband is gone but your son is fine and you'll see him soon" instead of "Your husband and your son are gone."

Maybe maybe maybe. If what if's were money I'd be a billionaire. It's just this never ending cycle of pain and loss and loneliness and regret. Of feeling like I'm getting better and then breaking down again. It's been over a year. A year! I haven't seen him in over a year! How can that be possible? When you have a child your life changes Forever. Forever. That's what they say. But it's not true, not for me at least.

Bottom line.. I just miss him. Always will. I miss his smile and his laugh, the way it felt to hold him and the love and trust in his eyes when he looked at me. I miss the joy he brought to my life, and to everyone around him. I would do Anything, give Anything, to have him back. But there's nothing I can do, nothing I can give. I can't fix this. All I can do is carry it with me for the rest of my life. Carry it and try... Try to remember the good times. Try to be grateful for the time I had with him. Try and keep his memory alive.


I love you Lucas, you'll always have all of my heart.