Sunday, April 22, 2012

six months

Six months ago, right at this very moment, Lucas was getting ready for bed... Just like any other night. I had spent the day at my mom's house, so I wasn't the one putting him to bed, but when I got home at eight he was already asleep. If only I had went in, and kissed him goodnight. But I didn't know that was the last time he'd put on his pajamas, or the last time he'd sleep peacefully in his crib. How could I have known that? I couldn't have. It was inconceivable. Of course he'd be around in the morning to hug and kiss, wasn't he always? The idea that his father could ever hurt him never even crossed my mind. Never. If it had.. I would have done anything to protect him.

It hurts so much, and it never gets any easier. Six months later and I still can't believe it. I know now that I'll never be okay.. I know now that every stupid thing before this in my life that got me down, every tear I shed, was absolute bullshit. Nothing can compare to this pain.. And I can't fix it. I can't accept he's gone. I can't let him go, and I don't want to. I have to live with this pain forever, all because of one selfish person. One disgusting, horrible, utterly fucked up person.

I heard a story from a friend recently, about an incident with their significant other, something that had so many similarities to what happened six months ago tonight with Bruce and me, that it made me physically ill with anxiety. And they know all about what happened to me.. But still they sat their and said "but they would never hurt the kids". How nice must it be to sit on the outside and look at poor me and think "but that was someone else, something like that could never happen to me." Because fuck, it's not like I didn't think the same thing. "He would never hurt Lucas". But he did.. Do they think I'm just that stupid and blind, that he gave signs of being capable of it, and I ignored or missed them and just left Lucas there with a psycho? Of course he would never hurt him.. Who would do something like that? But no.. He did.. And the least I can do is let others learn from my mistakes, although I'm still trying to figure out just where it all went wrong. But no.. That would never happen to you, just me. Just lucky lucky me.

I've never regretted anything in my life until this. Nothing has ever been so permanent. The rest of my life this pain will be in me.. All thanks to someone who was supposed to love me, and who was supposed to give his life for his child. Instead.. He decided that he was God, and had the right to decide whether we lived or died. Nothing will ever be the same now.. Life can never be carefree or happy. It's just one step at a time, pretending to be okay, so that I don't lay on the couch all day every day for the rest of my life. But you know.. At least I have my life. Lucas lost his. And I would give everything, anything, to change that.

Fuck you Bruce. You were a disgusting piece of shit, and the world is better off without you. I hope you burn for eternity.

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