Monday, April 23, 2012

my little milk man

It's the little moments I cherish the most.. Lucas learning to hold his bottle all by himself.. The way he would follow me into the kitchen and light up when he saw me filling his cup up with milk. A particular moment during our last weeks together... He had always been a daddy's boy. Daddy stayed home with him every day while mommy had to go to work and leave him all day long. But during the last weeks.. There was one week where I didn't see him at all, where he was being kept from me. After a visit to court the status quo was reestablished, and I finally got to pick him up from daycare and see him after a hellish week spent apart. He seemed so happy to see me, I could tell he knew me and had missed me. I was so afraid he wouldn't care that he hadn't seen me, or that he would have forgotten me, but he didn't. I remember bringing him home that night and sitting down on the floor near him while he played with his legos. He got up and walked over and plopped right down into my lap.. That was something he always did with his dad, never with me. But he just sat down in my lap and continued to play, ignoring me completely for the most part.. He just wanted to be close to me. I think of that moment often, it's one of the memories that comes to me most frequently. I'm glad I have moments like that.. Moments he and I shared together, happy memories that fill my heart with love.. But I'll be damned if it doesn't rip my heart out even as it's filling it up. What I wouldn't give for one more moment like that.. I miss my baby.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

six months

Six months ago, right at this very moment, Lucas was getting ready for bed... Just like any other night. I had spent the day at my mom's house, so I wasn't the one putting him to bed, but when I got home at eight he was already asleep. If only I had went in, and kissed him goodnight. But I didn't know that was the last time he'd put on his pajamas, or the last time he'd sleep peacefully in his crib. How could I have known that? I couldn't have. It was inconceivable. Of course he'd be around in the morning to hug and kiss, wasn't he always? The idea that his father could ever hurt him never even crossed my mind. Never. If it had.. I would have done anything to protect him.

It hurts so much, and it never gets any easier. Six months later and I still can't believe it. I know now that I'll never be okay.. I know now that every stupid thing before this in my life that got me down, every tear I shed, was absolute bullshit. Nothing can compare to this pain.. And I can't fix it. I can't accept he's gone. I can't let him go, and I don't want to. I have to live with this pain forever, all because of one selfish person. One disgusting, horrible, utterly fucked up person.

I heard a story from a friend recently, about an incident with their significant other, something that had so many similarities to what happened six months ago tonight with Bruce and me, that it made me physically ill with anxiety. And they know all about what happened to me.. But still they sat their and said "but they would never hurt the kids". How nice must it be to sit on the outside and look at poor me and think "but that was someone else, something like that could never happen to me." Because fuck, it's not like I didn't think the same thing. "He would never hurt Lucas". But he did.. Do they think I'm just that stupid and blind, that he gave signs of being capable of it, and I ignored or missed them and just left Lucas there with a psycho? Of course he would never hurt him.. Who would do something like that? But no.. He did.. And the least I can do is let others learn from my mistakes, although I'm still trying to figure out just where it all went wrong. But no.. That would never happen to you, just me. Just lucky lucky me.

I've never regretted anything in my life until this. Nothing has ever been so permanent. The rest of my life this pain will be in me.. All thanks to someone who was supposed to love me, and who was supposed to give his life for his child. Instead.. He decided that he was God, and had the right to decide whether we lived or died. Nothing will ever be the same now.. Life can never be carefree or happy. It's just one step at a time, pretending to be okay, so that I don't lay on the couch all day every day for the rest of my life. But you know.. At least I have my life. Lucas lost his. And I would give everything, anything, to change that.

Fuck you Bruce. You were a disgusting piece of shit, and the world is better off without you. I hope you burn for eternity.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

easter sunday

This is one of my favorite pictures of Lucas. It was taken last year, on Easter Sunday. It must have been a nice day outside, and he was running around in the grass outside of church, playing and laughing. He loved the dandelions. He was so happy and full of life... I never knew that could be taken away. Who knew any burden could feel so heavy.. I miss you Lucas. Happy Easter.