Wednesday, March 21, 2012

missing him


I don't quite know how to put into words how I've been feeling lately. When I think of Lucas... He doesn't seem real anymore. When I look at pictures, they just feel like pictures. I can't remember what it felt like to hold him, and I can't picture what he looked like standing right in front of me, or walking, or playing. Every memory I have of him is colored by his passing. Is this what acceptance is? I hope not, because I don't like it. I want to think of Lucas, think of holding him, without also having to think of burying him and of the fact that he no longer exists on this earth.

It all feels like a dream.. My whole life with him. He doesn't seem like he could have been real. I don't remember what it was like to be a mom, to wake up every day and have someone else to take care of. He's been gone for five months.. Almost a quarter of the time I had with him. Can you believe that? A full quarter of that time. It feels like I had him forever.. But I'm already forgetting him, so it's obvious that's not true.

Lucas would have been 2 years and 3 months on the 24th of March. What would he have been up to? I don't know what kids that age are doing.. My mommy experience stops at 22 months. Would he be talking? Dressing himself? Would he be more coordinated? In a big boy bed maybe? Would he be potty trained? That's a strange thought... I can't picture it. But then again, I can't picture him. Or when I do, he's foggy. Like something I made up, something that couldn't possibly have been real, something that was too good to be true, something I was always meant to lose.

It's been five months, so it would seem that I should be starting to get a little better by now. But really? It's getting harder as time passes. I don't cry less, I cry more, and more easily. I have more concentration problems because he is always on my mind. I can still laugh and smile, but it takes more and more effort. It was easier when it first happened, I had shock and denial to wrap myself up in. But now, after five months apart from him, after slowly beginning to forget him, it's not possible to deny what happened, and the shock is long gone. All that's left is loneliness and longing.. Longing for something I can never have back, no matter how much I wish it. Longing for his voice and his laugh, his hugs and his kisses, his love.. Longing. I don't know if I'll ever feel anything else.


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