Tuesday, February 21, 2012


This was taken a week before it happened, 22 months old. Lucas was an odd child.. One of his passions included rocks. That's right, rocks. Whenever we would get home from daycare, I would let him out of the car, and the first thing he would do would be to search the ground for two rocks. Any two would do, as long as he could hold a rock in each hand and click them together as he gleefully bounced towards the door. If I were to try to take those rocks away, or stop him from finding them? Oh no, not happening. If he couldn't find two rocks? End of the world. It got to the point where I would keep a bunch of little rocks in my car, so that I could supply him with two every time we got home.

Another of his little rituals, not rock related by still cute.. On the path to our front door there was a squashed pink piece of gum. It had been there a long time, and was basically part of the side walk. Every time we passed the gum Lucas had to bend down and press one finger to it before moving on. Gross, I know.

The two rocks in the picture above were found at his Grandma's house, a week before he was taken. They were big ones, and he was so excited to have found such likely specimens, that he wouldn't put them down.

How is he even doing that? Those rocks aren't light, and he has three in one hand and a leaf he found in the other. My boy had so many hidden talents.. I miss him so much.

Monday, February 20, 2012

easter present

Lucas's second Easter. It was silly really.. He was only 15 months old, too young for Easter baskets and candy and all of that.. But I wanted to do something. The night before Easter I ran to the store to see if I could find a toy of some sort for him, and found this horse. It was just so cute, and I knew he would love it, so I went for it and bought it. When I got home I wanted to give it to him right away, but he had been put to bed while I was out. I was so excited to see his reaction though, and he had only been in bed about a half hour.. I went in and woke him up and gave it to him right away. As soon as I sat him on it he was all smiles and laughing, he especially loved it when I pushed the buttons on the horse's ears and it played music or made neighing sounds. He loved that toy right up until the end.. He would sit on it and watch TV, rock back and forth, and he always laughed when he managed to push the ear buttons all by himself.

I've found myself thinking about Lucas a lot today.. Wondering about him. It's been almost four months. How big would he have been now? Would he be talking a lot? What would it sound like when he said "I love you momma"? Would he say it all on his own sometimes, because he knew what it meant and loved me at that moment? Would he be sleeping in a big boy bed now? Maybe helping more to dress himself and put on his shoes? He was growing so fast.. There is so much he missed out on.. I miss him so God damn much. I love you Lucas.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

so sorry

He loved blueberries. He loved bananas. He loved dancing. He loved climbing up and down stairs. He loved swinging. He loved running. He loved going down slides. He loved rocks. He loved his blankets. He loved milk. He loved yogurt. He loved music. He loved books. He loved potato chips. He loved playing outside. He loved his picnic table. He loved wagon rides. He loved giving raspberries. He loved Lego's. He loved his chair. He loved climbing. He loved baths. He loved car rides. He loved riding in the shopping cart. He loved his kitties. He loved kisses. He loved becoming a big boy. He loved his Sponge Bob pajamas. He loved putting on his shoes. He loved peanut butter crackers. He loved cars. He loved playing peek-a-boo. He loved playing hide and seek. He loved me. He loved his mama. He loved his mommy. He loved me. He loved me. He loved me. And I loved him. I love him. I love Lucas. I love my baby. I miss my baby. My baby was too happy for this world. My baby was too perfect for this world. My baby was too beautiful for this world. He loves me. And I love him. Forever. Always and forever. I love you, Lucas. I love you more than I ever imagined it was possible to ever love anything. I love you, Lucas. I'm so sorry... If I had known... I'd never have let you go. I would never have stopped holding you, I would never have stopped kissing you. I love you. I'm so sorry baby... So sorry.

grocery shopping

I hate grocery shopping. It's one of the most emotionally draining things I have to do, and it's unavoidable. Everything reminds me of Lucas.. I see so many parents with their kids and I honestly hate them. As I walk through the store I think "your child is still alive" over and over, every time I see a parent with their child. I find myself almost buying things that I used to buy for Lucas, and even things that I used to buy for Bruce. I walk by the baby clothes section and I wonder what Lucas would be wearing today. As I push the cart I picture him sitting in it where he belongs...

But he'll never be sitting there again, drifting off to sleep on a warm summer day. Or bundled up against the cold on a snowy winter day. He'll never do anything again, and I find myself constantly on the edge of tears whenever I have to shop. Not to mention how hard it is to adjust from cooking for three every night to cooking for just me. I don't know what to make, I don't want to make anything. I just want things back the way they were before, when I had my baby.

I even miss the horrible parent moments I had with Lucas at the store.. The time I parked him a little too close to a pyramid of apples, he grabbed one from the bottom and they all came tumbling down. I remember standing there trying to hold them up with my body as they rolled all across the floor, trying to steer Lucas away as he laughed and laughed. Or another time when I pushed him too close to the jars of apple sauce... He knocked one right off the shelf and it shattered every where. I remember everyone in the aisle looking at me, and I was mortified.. But I miss those things. I miss every single thing. I miss Lucas, plain and simple. 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

peanut butter jammie time

Moments like this are my favorite.. Just hanging out on the couch together, in our pajamas, hiding from the winter by spending a lazy day together. I would give anything for one more moment like this.. One single second.

Random side note on the title of this post... Whenever I put on his pajamas I would sing that stupid "peanut better jelly time" song, but insert "jammie" instead of "jelly"... Being a parent makes you do really lame things :-)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

all grown up

Pictures like this get me the most. He's just so damn big.. He was 21 months old here, a week or two before it all happened. Sitting in his little chair, holding his bowl of cereal all by himself and munching on it while watching cartoons... Milk ready and waiting in a sippy cup in his lap. He's just so.. So real here. So big, growing up, learning new things, becoming more independent.

God damn, I miss him. And that... Is the understatement of the century.

Monday, February 6, 2012

natural swimmer

This was Lucas's first experience in a pool, when he was about six months old. I thought he would react one of two ways... Either he'd be curious and eventually excited, splash and play a lot... Or he'd hate it, and cry, and want out immediately. He did neither of those two things. He took it in stride, was laid back, and just kind of chilled and relaxed. He basically looked like this the whole time he was in the pool. Not unhappy, and not unexcited.. Just kind of like "Hey, this is pretty nice, I think I'll just lay back and enjoy it."

That's my boy all right...

questions without answers

How do you do it?
You are so strong.

I hear these things a lot, and for obvious reasons. If the shoe where on the other foot, I'm sure I'd be saying the same things to a person who had been through what I went through.

But the honest truth? I don't know how I do it. I don't do anything. It's not strength.. It's an absence of alternative options. I can't have Lucas back. I know it in my head, even if I can't accept it in my heart. So what else is there to do besides... Existing? It's not even one day at a time. It's one moment, one second at a time. My world died, it ended, on October 23 at about 12:30am. Everything stopped... And it was just silence. And the world just keeps going on around me, and I just exist outside of it.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

the cherry festival

When Lucas was six months old, the bright decision was made to take him to the Cherry Festival in
Traverse City for the day. Some great pictures were taken, like the one above, and good times were had. For the most part the day went smoothly, and Lucas was happy and content.

How could you not fall in love with that face? So like I said, the day went pretty smoothly, with the exception of one little oversight.. The air show. It was loud, and no amount of ear covering satisfied Lucas, he was terrified of the planes.

But even crying he's cute. That level of adorableness should be illegal. He was a little heart breaker.. He had me wrapped around his tiny little finger, me and everyone else who ever met him.

little slider

This is one of my absolute favorite pictures of my little boy. He's about 20 months old here, and this is the day that he realized he could go down the slide all by himself. The jungle gym was just perfect for him.. He could climb the steps, sit down at the top, scoot himself to the edge, and go right down. He must have done that circuit about 100 times, but never got tired of it and always wanted to go again and again. He was always so proud of his new big boy skills.. Just so full of life and happy to be growing up and learning new things. I'll always remember him like this.. Care free. Beautiful.

cool kid

For the first sixteen months of Lucas's life, he absolutely refused to have anything put on his head. Hats, sunglasses, it didn't matter... Put it on and it immediately got ripped right off. But then one day, through the power of positive reinforcement (think lots of clapping and big cheesy grins and "good job"'s), he decided that hats and sunglasses were just about the best thing ever invented. For the next week he walked around the house like this constantly, hat on, rocking the glasses, cheesing for the camera as always. It was just about the cutest thing I ever saw.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

the last kiss

This wasn't actually our last kiss, that was on the last morning I saw him. But this was a special moment. This picture was taken the weekend before I lost him. We were at my mother's house and we were sitting on the stairs together, being silly and trying to get a good picture of us. Up until this day Lucas refused to give kisses on the lips. You would pucker your lips, and he would lean his forehead in for a kiss, as if to give you permission to bestow one upon him.

This day however.. I wasn't even asking for a kiss. He was just sitting beside me, and suddenly a look came over his face. I remember that look so clearly. He looked at me, and he put his hand on my shoulder, and he leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was like he was giving a gift to me.. I like to think that in that moment he looked at me and loved me, and realized that kissing was one way to show that love.. So he gave me that gift. For the next week, the last week of his life, that became his favorite thing. He would sit on my lap and kiss me again and again, clapping his hands after each kiss and saying "good job"! It was almost like he knew.. He knew he needed to give me as many kisses as possible, give me as many memories as possible, because soon he would be gone.

I'm so grateful to have this memory. I'll never forget this kiss.

the first kiss

The first time I laid eyes on my son, the first time I smelled him, the first time I kissed his soft skin. It was love at first sight.

the story

I had just turned 26 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I remember the exact date: April 18, 2009. I'd love to say that I was thrilled, ecstatic... But the truth is I was terrified. I wasn't expecting it, I didn't feel ready for it; I was completely floored by the news. I'd also love to say that over the course of my pregnancy I warmed to the idea... Started feeling more ready, started getting excited... But that wouldn't be true either.

I married my soon-to-be-son's father a week after I found out about the pregnancy and we started getting everything ready. The months flew by. My due date was December 19, 2009... But I knew he would be born on Christmas just like I knew I was having a boy. I had absolutely no doubts, I could feel it in my bones.

December 23, 2009 rolled around and sure enough.. I went into labor at about 5:00 pm that night. I didn't go to the hospital until the next morning.. Christmas Eve. I was still terrified, I didn't feel ready, I didn't know what to do. That feeling lasted right up until that moment... That moment I think every new parent has. The first time I heard him cry. When I heard my son cry for the first time.. My heart was instantly his. It was all over for me, I was in love. My life would never be the same after that cry. I named my son Lucas Joshua.