Sunday, December 9, 2012

first christmas

I'm going to get back to using the blog the way I intended it. Good memories. Lucas's first Christmas. Best Christmas of my life...

First thing in the morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wearing his Christmas pajamas and feeling slightly confused I'm sure. That was one of his two favorite blankets, he dragged it every where with him. 

Posing for a picture with mommy, while all of the pre-present preparations were made. I love his little still sleepy smile.

Mommy didn't do a very good job picking out wrapping paper.. It was pretty, but almost impossible to tear. What resulted was a lot of ineffectual slapping on Lucas's part, and a lot of ohing and ahing on mommy's part as she opened it little by little for him.

One of his favorite toys.. He loved his mega blocks. Loved the little wagon to pull them around in even more. We would climb in the back and just sit there are laugh, it was adorable.

The previously mentioned mega blocks.. He doesn't even know what they are but the still is ecstatic to receive them. I think this whole morning was just awesome to him.. Waking up and getting all of this special attention and all of the new toys.. 

Looking a little moody, but so is daddy. He'll be happy as soon as his present is open...

There we go, another of his favorites. Loud and obnoxious.. Perfect for my crazy little man.

 Last but not least.. All dressed up for a trip to Grandma's house. He's so damn big here... Grew up so fast. I wish I could see how big he would be this Christmas. I love you baby... So damn much.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I'm sorry

This won't be a popular post.. But keep the opinions to yourselves if you could. You may not like the things I sometimes think, but that doesn't mean I can just not think them. Why not just write this stuff in private so I don't have to deal with the responses? I don't know. Writing in private doesn't feel like it helps. It's just words thrown into the wind. But when I publish it where people could potentially see it, it feels different for some reason. So I go with it.

Bruce. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I gave up, I'm sorry I wanted out. I was just so fed up and you never took anything I brought up seriously. I was sick of supporting you while you contributed nothing. I was sick of sitting at the dinner table in silence, trying to have a one sided conversation. I was sick of telling you how I felt only to have you shrug it off. You didn't take me seriously until I told you I wanted out, and it was just too late. The sad part of that is that I really believed I had finally gotten through to you when I said I wanted a divorce. I think you would have changed, I think you would have done anything to keep me. But it was too late, I had decided, and I just wanted out... The quicker the better.

I'm sorry I hurt you so badly. I'm sorry I drove you to the point of thinking killing us all was the only option you had. I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry I was so cold and inflexible. Cruel in a lot of ways... I was just so done with it, I really didn't care if you were hurting at that point. I had spent so long hurting while you sat complacent, I just plain didn't give a damn. But I'm sorry. I wish it could have been different. I wish I had put in the effort and had taken my vows seriously. I'm sorry.

Lucas. Oh my baby... My angel.. Mommy is so so sorry for all the ways she failed you. I'm sorry that the mistakes I made contributed to you losing your life. I'm sorry you don't get to grow up. Oh my God I'm so sorry that you felt pain. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you, I didn't put you first. I ran away and didn't protect you, and I failed you. I failed you so horrifically... If I had known.. But that doesn't matter. That I couldn't have known doesn't change what happened. And I wasn't there for you, to save you or to at least die with you. 

You were so beautiful and perfect. So innocent.. Happy and loving and trusting. You are the love of my life and I'm so fucking sorry that I let you down. I'm so sorry for everything, for Everything. I'll never stop missing you, I'll never move on. I don't want to, I refuse to. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to save you. I love you always Munchie.. Always.

Sunday, November 25, 2012


It's been a while since I've even thought of posting here. First it was because I got sad realizing that some day I would run out of pictures to post. There are only so many.. Then I got sad because I realized that the memories I had of Lucas were fading. I would read something or see something and all of a sudden a hazy memory would come back, and it hurt to know I had forgotten it even for a moment.

Like the sounds he used to make.. He was never big on talking. Instead of words he would just walk around saying "deedle deedle deedle". Everything was called a "da da", even me. Or how he would make me sit down on the floor, and the push me down so I was laying on my back, lift up my shirt, and blow raspberries on my stomach. I would pretend to be ticklish and laugh uncontrollably, and he loved making me laugh so he would fall over laughing...

Or dinner time. His one true love was milk. For a long time he refused to eat solids, all he wanted was his milk. Eventually I got him to start eating but it was never much. Every meal turned out like the one in the picture. He loved making a mess, but didn't care to do much actual eating.

It makes me sad to think of him. It makes me sad to look at other kids who are the same age he would have been and to wonder what he would have been like. It makes me sad to think of how badly I failed him. Yes, I know. It's not my fault. Only... Knowing that and believing it aren't exactly the same thing. I can tell myself that all day long but it doesn't lessen my guilt. And I know that carrying this burden of guilt won't bring him back, nothing will.. But I just don't think I can forgive myself. Am I punishing myself? Probably. But how can I not when I feel like I deserve to be punished? Someone should be punished for what happened to my beautiful baby boy. Someone should pay. Mistakes were made, if they weren't he'd be here. I hold part of the blame for those mistakes. And the other person that hold blame is gone. I don't know what to do about that. When I think about Bruce.. It's a blank. I can't even bring myself to hate him, he's just... Confusing.

He loved Lucas, and I thought he loved me too. He said he did. Divorce or no, we were at least still friends. And I know, I know... He was mentally ill. I get it. But... I still don't understand how someone could be that sick. Maybe if he had just thought about it and dismissed it. Maybe if he had picked up the gun than put it back down. Maybe if he had pointed it and then looked in his sons eyes and turned it on himself instead. Where was God then? All it would have taken is one moment of clarity and I could still have my son. The police would have said "I'm sorry, your husband is gone but your son is fine and you'll see him soon" instead of "Your husband and your son are gone."

Maybe maybe maybe. If what if's were money I'd be a billionaire. It's just this never ending cycle of pain and loss and loneliness and regret. Of feeling like I'm getting better and then breaking down again. It's been over a year. A year! I haven't seen him in over a year! How can that be possible? When you have a child your life changes Forever. Forever. That's what they say. But it's not true, not for me at least.

Bottom line.. I just miss him. Always will. I miss his smile and his laugh, the way it felt to hold him and the love and trust in his eyes when he looked at me. I miss the joy he brought to my life, and to everyone around him. I would do Anything, give Anything, to have him back. But there's nothing I can do, nothing I can give. I can't fix this. All I can do is carry it with me for the rest of my life. Carry it and try... Try to remember the good times. Try to be grateful for the time I had with him. Try and keep his memory alive.

I love you Lucas, you'll always have all of my heart.

Monday, April 23, 2012

my little milk man

It's the little moments I cherish the most.. Lucas learning to hold his bottle all by himself.. The way he would follow me into the kitchen and light up when he saw me filling his cup up with milk. A particular moment during our last weeks together... He had always been a daddy's boy. Daddy stayed home with him every day while mommy had to go to work and leave him all day long. But during the last weeks.. There was one week where I didn't see him at all, where he was being kept from me. After a visit to court the status quo was reestablished, and I finally got to pick him up from daycare and see him after a hellish week spent apart. He seemed so happy to see me, I could tell he knew me and had missed me. I was so afraid he wouldn't care that he hadn't seen me, or that he would have forgotten me, but he didn't. I remember bringing him home that night and sitting down on the floor near him while he played with his legos. He got up and walked over and plopped right down into my lap.. That was something he always did with his dad, never with me. But he just sat down in my lap and continued to play, ignoring me completely for the most part.. He just wanted to be close to me. I think of that moment often, it's one of the memories that comes to me most frequently. I'm glad I have moments like that.. Moments he and I shared together, happy memories that fill my heart with love.. But I'll be damned if it doesn't rip my heart out even as it's filling it up. What I wouldn't give for one more moment like that.. I miss my baby.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

six months

Six months ago, right at this very moment, Lucas was getting ready for bed... Just like any other night. I had spent the day at my mom's house, so I wasn't the one putting him to bed, but when I got home at eight he was already asleep. If only I had went in, and kissed him goodnight. But I didn't know that was the last time he'd put on his pajamas, or the last time he'd sleep peacefully in his crib. How could I have known that? I couldn't have. It was inconceivable. Of course he'd be around in the morning to hug and kiss, wasn't he always? The idea that his father could ever hurt him never even crossed my mind. Never. If it had.. I would have done anything to protect him.

It hurts so much, and it never gets any easier. Six months later and I still can't believe it. I know now that I'll never be okay.. I know now that every stupid thing before this in my life that got me down, every tear I shed, was absolute bullshit. Nothing can compare to this pain.. And I can't fix it. I can't accept he's gone. I can't let him go, and I don't want to. I have to live with this pain forever, all because of one selfish person. One disgusting, horrible, utterly fucked up person.

I heard a story from a friend recently, about an incident with their significant other, something that had so many similarities to what happened six months ago tonight with Bruce and me, that it made me physically ill with anxiety. And they know all about what happened to me.. But still they sat their and said "but they would never hurt the kids". How nice must it be to sit on the outside and look at poor me and think "but that was someone else, something like that could never happen to me." Because fuck, it's not like I didn't think the same thing. "He would never hurt Lucas". But he did.. Do they think I'm just that stupid and blind, that he gave signs of being capable of it, and I ignored or missed them and just left Lucas there with a psycho? Of course he would never hurt him.. Who would do something like that? But no.. He did.. And the least I can do is let others learn from my mistakes, although I'm still trying to figure out just where it all went wrong. But no.. That would never happen to you, just me. Just lucky lucky me.

I've never regretted anything in my life until this. Nothing has ever been so permanent. The rest of my life this pain will be in me.. All thanks to someone who was supposed to love me, and who was supposed to give his life for his child. Instead.. He decided that he was God, and had the right to decide whether we lived or died. Nothing will ever be the same now.. Life can never be carefree or happy. It's just one step at a time, pretending to be okay, so that I don't lay on the couch all day every day for the rest of my life. But you know.. At least I have my life. Lucas lost his. And I would give everything, anything, to change that.

Fuck you Bruce. You were a disgusting piece of shit, and the world is better off without you. I hope you burn for eternity.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

easter sunday

This is one of my favorite pictures of Lucas. It was taken last year, on Easter Sunday. It must have been a nice day outside, and he was running around in the grass outside of church, playing and laughing. He loved the dandelions. He was so happy and full of life... I never knew that could be taken away. Who knew any burden could feel so heavy.. I miss you Lucas. Happy Easter.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

missing him

I don't quite know how to put into words how I've been feeling lately. When I think of Lucas... He doesn't seem real anymore. When I look at pictures, they just feel like pictures. I can't remember what it felt like to hold him, and I can't picture what he looked like standing right in front of me, or walking, or playing. Every memory I have of him is colored by his passing. Is this what acceptance is? I hope not, because I don't like it. I want to think of Lucas, think of holding him, without also having to think of burying him and of the fact that he no longer exists on this earth.

It all feels like a dream.. My whole life with him. He doesn't seem like he could have been real. I don't remember what it was like to be a mom, to wake up every day and have someone else to take care of. He's been gone for five months.. Almost a quarter of the time I had with him. Can you believe that? A full quarter of that time. It feels like I had him forever.. But I'm already forgetting him, so it's obvious that's not true.

Lucas would have been 2 years and 3 months on the 24th of March. What would he have been up to? I don't know what kids that age are doing.. My mommy experience stops at 22 months. Would he be talking? Dressing himself? Would he be more coordinated? In a big boy bed maybe? Would he be potty trained? That's a strange thought... I can't picture it. But then again, I can't picture him. Or when I do, he's foggy. Like something I made up, something that couldn't possibly have been real, something that was too good to be true, something I was always meant to lose.

It's been five months, so it would seem that I should be starting to get a little better by now. But really? It's getting harder as time passes. I don't cry less, I cry more, and more easily. I have more concentration problems because he is always on my mind. I can still laugh and smile, but it takes more and more effort. It was easier when it first happened, I had shock and denial to wrap myself up in. But now, after five months apart from him, after slowly beginning to forget him, it's not possible to deny what happened, and the shock is long gone. All that's left is loneliness and longing.. Longing for something I can never have back, no matter how much I wish it. Longing for his voice and his laugh, his hugs and his kisses, his love.. Longing. I don't know if I'll ever feel anything else.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

the park

One of Lucas's favorite things to do was to go to the park. Climbing, sliding, swinging; he loved it all. I can't even begin to count all of the different park "photo shoots" that were done with my little ham.. And he never failed to play it up for the camera.

Whether he was swinging by himself, or on mommy's lap, he always had a huge cheesy grin on his face. 

He especially loved when he got big enough to be able to climb on the jungle gyms all by himself. He was always so proud to be doing new things all on his own...

Of course, as with all kids, things didn't always go perfectly. Sometimes things like this happened....

Poor baby! But he always picked himself right back up and got back to playing. No fall could keep my baby down for long.. 

Miss you, Lucas. So so so much. I love you baby.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


This was taken a week before it happened, 22 months old. Lucas was an odd child.. One of his passions included rocks. That's right, rocks. Whenever we would get home from daycare, I would let him out of the car, and the first thing he would do would be to search the ground for two rocks. Any two would do, as long as he could hold a rock in each hand and click them together as he gleefully bounced towards the door. If I were to try to take those rocks away, or stop him from finding them? Oh no, not happening. If he couldn't find two rocks? End of the world. It got to the point where I would keep a bunch of little rocks in my car, so that I could supply him with two every time we got home.

Another of his little rituals, not rock related by still cute.. On the path to our front door there was a squashed pink piece of gum. It had been there a long time, and was basically part of the side walk. Every time we passed the gum Lucas had to bend down and press one finger to it before moving on. Gross, I know.

The two rocks in the picture above were found at his Grandma's house, a week before he was taken. They were big ones, and he was so excited to have found such likely specimens, that he wouldn't put them down.

How is he even doing that? Those rocks aren't light, and he has three in one hand and a leaf he found in the other. My boy had so many hidden talents.. I miss him so much.

Monday, February 20, 2012

easter present

Lucas's second Easter. It was silly really.. He was only 15 months old, too young for Easter baskets and candy and all of that.. But I wanted to do something. The night before Easter I ran to the store to see if I could find a toy of some sort for him, and found this horse. It was just so cute, and I knew he would love it, so I went for it and bought it. When I got home I wanted to give it to him right away, but he had been put to bed while I was out. I was so excited to see his reaction though, and he had only been in bed about a half hour.. I went in and woke him up and gave it to him right away. As soon as I sat him on it he was all smiles and laughing, he especially loved it when I pushed the buttons on the horse's ears and it played music or made neighing sounds. He loved that toy right up until the end.. He would sit on it and watch TV, rock back and forth, and he always laughed when he managed to push the ear buttons all by himself.

I've found myself thinking about Lucas a lot today.. Wondering about him. It's been almost four months. How big would he have been now? Would he be talking a lot? What would it sound like when he said "I love you momma"? Would he say it all on his own sometimes, because he knew what it meant and loved me at that moment? Would he be sleeping in a big boy bed now? Maybe helping more to dress himself and put on his shoes? He was growing so fast.. There is so much he missed out on.. I miss him so God damn much. I love you Lucas.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

so sorry

He loved blueberries. He loved bananas. He loved dancing. He loved climbing up and down stairs. He loved swinging. He loved running. He loved going down slides. He loved rocks. He loved his blankets. He loved milk. He loved yogurt. He loved music. He loved books. He loved potato chips. He loved playing outside. He loved his picnic table. He loved wagon rides. He loved giving raspberries. He loved Lego's. He loved his chair. He loved climbing. He loved baths. He loved car rides. He loved riding in the shopping cart. He loved his kitties. He loved kisses. He loved becoming a big boy. He loved his Sponge Bob pajamas. He loved putting on his shoes. He loved peanut butter crackers. He loved cars. He loved playing peek-a-boo. He loved playing hide and seek. He loved me. He loved his mama. He loved his mommy. He loved me. He loved me. He loved me. And I loved him. I love him. I love Lucas. I love my baby. I miss my baby. My baby was too happy for this world. My baby was too perfect for this world. My baby was too beautiful for this world. He loves me. And I love him. Forever. Always and forever. I love you, Lucas. I love you more than I ever imagined it was possible to ever love anything. I love you, Lucas. I'm so sorry... If I had known... I'd never have let you go. I would never have stopped holding you, I would never have stopped kissing you. I love you. I'm so sorry baby... So sorry.

grocery shopping

I hate grocery shopping. It's one of the most emotionally draining things I have to do, and it's unavoidable. Everything reminds me of Lucas.. I see so many parents with their kids and I honestly hate them. As I walk through the store I think "your child is still alive" over and over, every time I see a parent with their child. I find myself almost buying things that I used to buy for Lucas, and even things that I used to buy for Bruce. I walk by the baby clothes section and I wonder what Lucas would be wearing today. As I push the cart I picture him sitting in it where he belongs...

But he'll never be sitting there again, drifting off to sleep on a warm summer day. Or bundled up against the cold on a snowy winter day. He'll never do anything again, and I find myself constantly on the edge of tears whenever I have to shop. Not to mention how hard it is to adjust from cooking for three every night to cooking for just me. I don't know what to make, I don't want to make anything. I just want things back the way they were before, when I had my baby.

I even miss the horrible parent moments I had with Lucas at the store.. The time I parked him a little too close to a pyramid of apples, he grabbed one from the bottom and they all came tumbling down. I remember standing there trying to hold them up with my body as they rolled all across the floor, trying to steer Lucas away as he laughed and laughed. Or another time when I pushed him too close to the jars of apple sauce... He knocked one right off the shelf and it shattered every where. I remember everyone in the aisle looking at me, and I was mortified.. But I miss those things. I miss every single thing. I miss Lucas, plain and simple. 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

peanut butter jammie time

Moments like this are my favorite.. Just hanging out on the couch together, in our pajamas, hiding from the winter by spending a lazy day together. I would give anything for one more moment like this.. One single second.

Random side note on the title of this post... Whenever I put on his pajamas I would sing that stupid "peanut better jelly time" song, but insert "jammie" instead of "jelly"... Being a parent makes you do really lame things :-)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

all grown up

Pictures like this get me the most. He's just so damn big.. He was 21 months old here, a week or two before it all happened. Sitting in his little chair, holding his bowl of cereal all by himself and munching on it while watching cartoons... Milk ready and waiting in a sippy cup in his lap. He's just so.. So real here. So big, growing up, learning new things, becoming more independent.

God damn, I miss him. And that... Is the understatement of the century.

Monday, February 6, 2012

natural swimmer

This was Lucas's first experience in a pool, when he was about six months old. I thought he would react one of two ways... Either he'd be curious and eventually excited, splash and play a lot... Or he'd hate it, and cry, and want out immediately. He did neither of those two things. He took it in stride, was laid back, and just kind of chilled and relaxed. He basically looked like this the whole time he was in the pool. Not unhappy, and not unexcited.. Just kind of like "Hey, this is pretty nice, I think I'll just lay back and enjoy it."

That's my boy all right...

questions without answers

How do you do it?
You are so strong.

I hear these things a lot, and for obvious reasons. If the shoe where on the other foot, I'm sure I'd be saying the same things to a person who had been through what I went through.

But the honest truth? I don't know how I do it. I don't do anything. It's not strength.. It's an absence of alternative options. I can't have Lucas back. I know it in my head, even if I can't accept it in my heart. So what else is there to do besides... Existing? It's not even one day at a time. It's one moment, one second at a time. My world died, it ended, on October 23 at about 12:30am. Everything stopped... And it was just silence. And the world just keeps going on around me, and I just exist outside of it.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

the cherry festival

When Lucas was six months old, the bright decision was made to take him to the Cherry Festival in
Traverse City for the day. Some great pictures were taken, like the one above, and good times were had. For the most part the day went smoothly, and Lucas was happy and content.

How could you not fall in love with that face? So like I said, the day went pretty smoothly, with the exception of one little oversight.. The air show. It was loud, and no amount of ear covering satisfied Lucas, he was terrified of the planes.

But even crying he's cute. That level of adorableness should be illegal. He was a little heart breaker.. He had me wrapped around his tiny little finger, me and everyone else who ever met him.

little slider

This is one of my absolute favorite pictures of my little boy. He's about 20 months old here, and this is the day that he realized he could go down the slide all by himself. The jungle gym was just perfect for him.. He could climb the steps, sit down at the top, scoot himself to the edge, and go right down. He must have done that circuit about 100 times, but never got tired of it and always wanted to go again and again. He was always so proud of his new big boy skills.. Just so full of life and happy to be growing up and learning new things. I'll always remember him like this.. Care free. Beautiful.

cool kid

For the first sixteen months of Lucas's life, he absolutely refused to have anything put on his head. Hats, sunglasses, it didn't matter... Put it on and it immediately got ripped right off. But then one day, through the power of positive reinforcement (think lots of clapping and big cheesy grins and "good job"'s), he decided that hats and sunglasses were just about the best thing ever invented. For the next week he walked around the house like this constantly, hat on, rocking the glasses, cheesing for the camera as always. It was just about the cutest thing I ever saw.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

the last kiss

This wasn't actually our last kiss, that was on the last morning I saw him. But this was a special moment. This picture was taken the weekend before I lost him. We were at my mother's house and we were sitting on the stairs together, being silly and trying to get a good picture of us. Up until this day Lucas refused to give kisses on the lips. You would pucker your lips, and he would lean his forehead in for a kiss, as if to give you permission to bestow one upon him.

This day however.. I wasn't even asking for a kiss. He was just sitting beside me, and suddenly a look came over his face. I remember that look so clearly. He looked at me, and he put his hand on my shoulder, and he leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was like he was giving a gift to me.. I like to think that in that moment he looked at me and loved me, and realized that kissing was one way to show that love.. So he gave me that gift. For the next week, the last week of his life, that became his favorite thing. He would sit on my lap and kiss me again and again, clapping his hands after each kiss and saying "good job"! It was almost like he knew.. He knew he needed to give me as many kisses as possible, give me as many memories as possible, because soon he would be gone.

I'm so grateful to have this memory. I'll never forget this kiss.

the first kiss

The first time I laid eyes on my son, the first time I smelled him, the first time I kissed his soft skin. It was love at first sight.

the story

I had just turned 26 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I remember the exact date: April 18, 2009. I'd love to say that I was thrilled, ecstatic... But the truth is I was terrified. I wasn't expecting it, I didn't feel ready for it; I was completely floored by the news. I'd also love to say that over the course of my pregnancy I warmed to the idea... Started feeling more ready, started getting excited... But that wouldn't be true either.

I married my soon-to-be-son's father a week after I found out about the pregnancy and we started getting everything ready. The months flew by. My due date was December 19, 2009... But I knew he would be born on Christmas just like I knew I was having a boy. I had absolutely no doubts, I could feel it in my bones.

December 23, 2009 rolled around and sure enough.. I went into labor at about 5:00 pm that night. I didn't go to the hospital until the next morning.. Christmas Eve. I was still terrified, I didn't feel ready, I didn't know what to do. That feeling lasted right up until that moment... That moment I think every new parent has. The first time I heard him cry. When I heard my son cry for the first time.. My heart was instantly his. It was all over for me, I was in love. My life would never be the same after that cry. I named my son Lucas Joshua.